How Parents Can Partner Against Perfectionism
By Brezny Galiby


We all want to succeed. Its natural. For some, though, putting in the work does not seem to equate to their desired success. Think of a time that you really put in the work for something and got the results you wanted. How rewarding was it to have your work pay off? Well, now imagine that you are expecting great results and end up with mediocre results or a failure. This is the tension that most students with ADHD or executive function challenges experience. The results they receive are not due to a lack of desire for success or even a lack of effort. (However, it makes sense that most learn to not put in the effort if they aren’t going to get the desired results anyways). Now, there is all of this tension, struggle, and anxiety around school; but the desire to do well never fades entirely. Perfectionism can enter the picture when students so desire to do well that they can’t even get started.

So, what is a parent to do? How can you help your student overcome this anxiety riddled obstacle? Well, the state of overwhelm will trigger fight, flight, or freeze mode; however, when it comes to academic work the reaction is to freeze and avoid. When emotions (the amygdala) are active, executive functions are shut down: the executive functions necessary to complete the assignment. When your child is emotional about an assignment (visibly upset, disengaged, displaying avoidance behavior, seemingly annoyed, etc.) those emotions must be resolved before any work is going to get done. Allow your child to express what they are feeling and navigate what the root thought is that is fueling such behavior. Work together to come up with a new thought that is still true and can replace the previous thought so that productivity can now take place. 

The reality is that the same thing is not going to work for every kid, but some things are universally not going to work too.

The key is figuring out how to make your student feel like you are working with them and not against them. As a parent, you cannot simply take the anxiety and stress away, but you can partner with your child to battle against it. They may have a voice in their head telling them they will fail, or they/their work is not good enough, but you can be a voice outside of their head reminding them that they are smart and capable! 
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We've been enjoying working with some of our younger students these past weeks with the book, "Your Fantastic Elastic Brain". We learned about the different parts of our brain but more importantly, how we can grow it. Like our muscles, we need to exercise our brains. An important item we learned from the book, is that our brain learns the most from mistakes. Instead of getting frustrated when we have made a mistake, we should take a step back and ask ourselves; " What did we learn  from this mistake , and what do we need to change the next time we do the task"? We sculpted our brains with model magic, what a fun way to learn!

I think we can all admit, there are times when we become glued to something on one of our digital devices.  I'm personally guilty when it comes to ancestry research. If I begin, I know I will use every free minute, and probably more! 
A study completed in 2013 by the Northwestern Center on Media reported that media related parenting style (ie: how often are you using your digital devices) is linked to child use. I think this is important because if we are asking our children to make changes, then we really need to take a look at ourselves and make a change. 
So let's talk a little about self regulation, because this is a crucial life skill. There are many parental control programs for digital devices like "circle", and it's great to hear that many families are implementing these systems for their children. But, there's a missing piece in this picture, and it's  teaching the skill of self regulation to our children. We do not want to send our children off to college without the skill of self regulation. If we get back to the idea that you are your child's frontal lobe, then it falls on us as adults to teach this skill, not just expect it to happen. 
As many of you know, the teen years are so precarious. There is such a battle for independence, and sometimes just an idea from a parent, can cause a teen to do the opposite.  It's important to introduce these ideas at the right time, and in the right way. I like to discuss how self regulation can be challenging for all us, even as adults. Often we will talk about the choices that need to be made, for example if I'm going to go online to do ancestry research then it will be done on an evening where I have nothing planned. I will even go a step more, to make sure there is nothing pressing the following day. We also discuss some of the tools at our disposal. There are many programs out there but I personally like Rescue time and Forest.  Rescue time runs in the background of your devices (phone and computer). It tracks time spent on websites and apps. It offers a variety of reports, even detail by the minute. This is a such a good tool to use with students, to show them what it being used and for how long. Students with ADHD/and or Executive Function challenges often are "time blind". Time often passes without them noticing, and often it's not used effectively. I have had students report to me that they may find themselves staring in a mirror, day dreaming, or even not knowing  what they were doing. Rescue time offers the ability to see if the device was a distraction. I recently had a a student who reported that he spent about 8 hours doing homework on a Sunday. He immediately admitted that he probably was not working the entire time.  We brought up Rescue time, and after looking at the report; we were able to determine that his device was not the distraction. I have another student who is often shocked to see how much time he has spent on Youtube during homework (and  it's  not homework related). 
Forest is one of my favorite apps, and I was so excited to see last week that it now has a safari extension. It allows individuals to stay focused and present in the moment. The idea is to not use your device or your browser. You determine how long you would like to be focused. Once the time is decided, a tree is planted and grows for your predetermined time. If you leave the app and move to another app/tab; the tree dies. The more you use the app ,the more trees are added to your forest, and you can earn coins to add items to your trees. It's a fun way to stay focused.
There are so many conversations to have around digital devices and our children, but let's not forget how to teach them self regulation. It is such a key to their success. 
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I was introduced to the idea of a pause button and loved it.  Initially it was introduced as something students could imagine, especially those that may be impulsively lying. It is a great tool in  asking  students to pause, and reflect on their given answer. Students with ADHD often impulsively lie. This tool can be a non judgmental technique that parents can utilize when  their child has impulsively given them an answer, that is an obvious lie.  I've also used this idea for students to use when they need to slow things down, reflect on what they need to do, and chunk the task into steps. "Pause" is a wonderful tool for all of us to incorporate into our lives. As I've mentioned before, I love incorporating art, but not all students enjoy it for a variety of reasons. I have found though, that even the students that do not like some of the more artistic projects, like this one. Model magic and foam letters, create the perfect Pause button. 

I really enjoy doing this activity. It can be done at many stages in the coaching relationship. In the beginning, it is a great project to break the ice and get to know the student. It can also be used later as a self esteem project when we are trying to focus on the positive traits in the coaching process.